OUR MARITAL HEALTH/SEX AND PROBLEMS OF DAILY LIVING: RELOCATION AND THE MISPLACEMENT OF SEX
Monday, May 18th, 2009If you have never moved, then you cannot imagine what happens. You literally are spun around. You might want to go to bed, all right, but not for sex. It just becomes a place to hide. At least most times you can find the bed even if everything else is lost or in a box.
WIFE
Almost half of our population changes residence every five years or so. We are a mobile, relocating society. Every psychotherapist knows that moving, changing where you live, is one of the most disruptive of life experiences. I noticed that the inpatient unit at my hospital typically contained patients who had moved relatively recently. The move itself does not cause their emotional problems, but the stress accompanying moving probably exacerbates any propensity to fail to cope.
Early in the super marital sex program, some couples who seemed to be making excellent progress regressed during the five-year follow-up. One factor often mentioned was relocation. They reported an almost complete upheaval across their life experience and their sexual relationship suffered from either neglect or situational disruption.
At a recent professional meeting on marital and sexual therapy t one of my colleagues questioned the possibility that moving could really cause sexual problems. He felt that such problems were caused by what he called “deeper-seated problems within the marriage.”
This question misses the point that most problems causing marital and sexual difficulties are “transitional problems” common to all of us. To assume that moving is not stressful enough to disrupt sexuality is to fail to realize that any system, particularly a marital system, is affected by change. How the couple copes with the change, and the couple’s ability to preserve emotional intimacy even at times of more mechanical, mundane requirements, is a key predictor of the adaptive strength of the marriage.
Moving alters social support systems and parenting responsibilities; it heightens feelings of vulnerability and causes feelings of “temporariness.” It is not just the stress of moving that makes relaxed, intimate sexuality difficult, but memories or unresolved issues associated with places and people left behind. The couple may move closer to or farther from one set of parents and may feel resentment. “I don’t really think it was a factor,” said one husband, “but when we moved from Boston to Chicago, we were that much closer to her parents, who live in Hawaii. It sounds ludicrous when I say it, but I’ll bet it played some part in why she took this new job.” The lack of communication and trust ?n this statement was playing itself out in the sexuality of this couple. The wife reported, “Since we moved, he has been kind of cold, distant. We have sex, but not quite like before.” If this is what the colleague who questioned the impact of moving meant by “deeper” issues being at work when marital problems result, then certainly these are important to intimacy, but this was and still is a strong and loving couple who was disrupted by the move and for whom the issue of moving brought up issues that would otherwise not have been so intrusive.
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