COPING IN THE EARLY STAGES OF CANCER: MAKING IT EASIER FOR OTHERS
After the initial shock of your diagnosis has receded, you may begin to feel the pressures of making it easier for other people to talk to you and come to terms with your cancer. It is natural for all of us to feel upset at hearing bad news and worrying about how to react, and you may find that you play down your situation to ease other people’s concern and distress. You may find yourself reassuring your family and friends that, for example, you are not in any pain or discomfort, that treatment is considered very effective or that you are receiving very high quality care in an excellent hospital. Your conversations might give the impression that you are feeling much more positive and upbeat than you actually feel, even if your situation is very serious. People obviously prefer to hear good news (although not as much as you!), and the pressure to assure them that you are feeling ‘fine’ in spite of everything can be emotionally tiring.
In many cases, you will also have to take the lead in talking about your cancer and treatment, as people can be reticent about asking for details, however much they want to know all that is happening to you. Most of us are very ignorant about cancer and its treatments until someone close to us is affected, and therefore we simply don’t know what questions to ask or how to start talking. Describing your cancer or talking about how your treatment works can be very beneficial in prompting questions. For example, most people who have not had contact with chemotherapy or radiotherapy find it impossible to visualize how the treatment is given, and are also unlikely to know what it is. They will probably feel too embarrassed to ask you such a basic question, so describing how it is administered and what it ‘looks like’ can help them to understand more about what you are going through.
However much you take pleasure in talking to your family and friends, don’t underestimate how emotionally tiring it can be to chat about your cancer. Remember that there will be times when you don’t feel like talking, and a hug or watching TV or listening to music or just sitting quietly with your companion is all you can manage. You don’t have to ‘entertain’ people, even if you do feel some responsibility to do so.
Feeling a need to be ‘strong’ for the benefit of others can be draining too. There will be times when you exaggerate how well you feel or how much energy you have so that others will worry less. After a gathering of friends or a family meal, for example, you may find you are exhausted from the effort of keeping up a strong front. You might look forward to a visit from a friend and feel you must be positive and cheerful so that they can enjoy the visit too, and aren’t left with an image of you as tired and unwell. We naturally want to feel that our family and friends enjoy our company, so we make a particular effort to be a good companion. Just don’t overdo it!
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